As a result, you may constantly obsess over another person's circumstances and wellbeing. My husband has taken this thought process to the extreme, or at least it feels that way. Stop beating yourself up for everything that goes wrong. 6. However the converse is important. We were married for 18 years, together 25 but he was very depressive, quite angry sometimes and I got fed up walking on eggshells. Misery-Maker 6: Creating suffering through bad habits and addictions. Video here. Give them the chance to experience exactly what they need to experience, and dont be afraid of it. Such avoidance is detrimental because it lowers the authenticity, intimacy, and vulnerability of the relationship. When you're there, check out the books surrounding this one, too. I had to liquidate all of their assets, put them in my name, and take over their financial care as well as everything else. The bottom line is this: I am NOT responsible for her happiness and you are not responsible for your mother's happiness either. You dont need to feel guilty about a single one. Plus, youll receive access to the Always Well Within Library of free Self-Discovery Resources. Feeling solely responsible for the happiness of others, no matter how well-intended, causes anxiety. Don't even think about either outcome. After all, arent friends and loved ones supposed to support each other? So if you dont want to keep your partner and your loved ones undifferentiated, and if you want to grow, then remember that you are not responsible for their feelings. We need more complexity and more depth. And through it all, be sure that youre taking loving care of your own energy. Notice what makes you feel good about yourself. Im not talking about bottled water either, just the water that flows through the pipes into your house or apartment. Important note: If you are in an abusive relationship, visit The National Domestic Violence Hotline online or call 18007997233 or TTY 18007873224. Fast forward to 2011. You have to stop doing what you are doing that makes this her best option. When our daughter argues with her, I get triggered and upset. I include some resources around addiction recovery in this postand at the bottom of this post. But you can learn to stop any misery you might be inflicting on yourself. I'm matching you with one of our specialists who will be calling you in the next few minutes. I just can't do it anymore. I am an only child. Feeling and dealing with your pain directly builds character, integrity, self-respect, and confidence. She hasshared information about creating a quality life on podcasts, summits, print andonline interviews and articles, and at speaking events. Everything is constantly evolving and changing in this intricate dance of interconnectedness, relationship, and mutual influence. That is something that a person has to work at for themselves. Misery-Maker 4: Blaming yourself for things you cant control. It can actually feel like something you physically drag around. For the most part, you cant control the actions of other adults, though you may have influence. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Source: Image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images, pixabay.com, CC0, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. featured Dad had 3 back-to-back car accidents and could no longer drive; mom, of course, refused to do the driving, why should she, after all? I was told that he's not responsible for my emotional reaction because he cannot help that I was hurt. It means you allow them to be where they are and you dont try to change them. A like-minded woman who empowers . Likewise, every decision you make is influenced by your family or societal conditioning. I am working through a CBT workbook on anger and talking to my wife about this. Its impossible for you to be responsible for everything because of interdependence. If not, see #10 below. We worry about others, and we blame ourselves for their unhappiness. You deserve to continue building a dynamic life with your husband and friends, and to develop your career. You need to understand what you have power over and what you don't. You don't have the power to make your husband choose the right attitude, behavior, words. You may present yourself in one way when you actually feel a different way underneath. My parents moved me here as a child, we left all family behind on the west coast (we are on the east coast), which I didn't want to do. Ask yourself: Would I like to change? Over time, a sense of freedom will arise in the relationship, and you will feel freer to share what you feel. If someone wants to change and asks for your help, you can show up and offer support. 2023 HealthyPlace Inc. All Rights Reserved. And you're not responsible for his happiness or life satisfaction. You stop listening from a comfortable, open position because once you start hearing your partners pain, you immediately start thinking, What did I do this time? What I wonder is if you know of any literature I could read to support me in making the small incremental changes you mention above? Challenge your thoughts. Subscribe to Wild Arisings, twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas that will help you connect with and live from your truest self. People who are highly sensitive, caring individuals naturally want the people in their lives to be happy, to experience wellbeing. You can watch the original video I recorded below, and keep reading for a breakdown of what I teach in it (plus new lessons). People may not be show up the way you want them to, but when you accept them where they are you can let go, forgive and release. She needs to go to the roots of her unhappiness and change her thinking. My mental health novels, including one about severe anxiety, are here. You may be causing some of your suffering. You may feel responsible for other people's happiness and/or health. But the truth is we cant control everything. I will go and borrow the book from my library today, that sounds great. You are responsible FOR your words, choices, dreams, feelings and TO him. I'm not saying he needs to announce what happens to the world, but I don't feel that asking for some sort of closure can be asking too much. I cried the other day because I bought steak to try and cheer him up and he decided to skip dinner. Parents establish those feelings of safety by practicing deep listening and unconditional love. Social pressure can warp your mind and your actions. 1. In the last week or so I have begun to sound like a broken record because I just keep saying ' this is not my responsibility - it is yours.' AgingCare.com connects families who are caring for aging parents, spouses, or other elderly loved ones with the information and support they need to make informed caregiving decisions. Shifting your thoughts and actions reduces anxiety. If this is the case with you, figure out how best to express who you are in other areas of your life. This question has been closed for answers. This is something that has been on my mind lately as Ive seen new readers discover my bookJudgment Detoxand begin to lovingly witness their own judgment and heal it. I always have a dark cloud looming over my shoulder :( When I was a teenager I suffered from depression. Misery-Maker 2: Judging yourself in a harsh way. How to stop the misery: Instead of putting yourself down for your mistakes and failures, make the conscious decision to grow from them. What is the problem with holding a core belief of your pain = my responsibility? spirituality. Are your worries completely justified? But being uncaring is being selfish. Notice what seems to be good for your personal growth. She seems to like it best when all of my waking hours are focused on my "to-do" list. Their only income is SS and it goes to Medicaid. Unless you are writing a novel or a screenplay, using your imagination to spin tales that are outrageous, hurtful, or even horrifying can be harmful to your sanity and peace of mind. Assael trains and lectures internationally about therapy, relationships and improvisation. (I think its because I grew up with a loving father, who had massive mood swings, but he could be charmed out of them - My sister would cry, my brother would more often than not, be the target, but I was the one who could alwyas talk/joke him down.) Feeling responsible for others happiness is a complex relationship of interrelated thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Only your mom can make herself happy. I find her work in general very helpful for living peacefully with yourself. You feel you're responsible for your parents' marital conflicts. (I've done this, too.) I am hopefully starting a group therapy process soon, but would like to find something to support me along the way. If they start getting reactive, defensive, or aggressive, take a breath and/or break. We simply cannot be responsible for another's happiness. I am the original poster and I would like to thank everyone for responding. It's so upsetting that they try to resolve the negative feelings and problems of people close to them. Pay attention to what youre thinking. I'm Sandra Pawula - writer, mindfulness teacher and advocate of ease. I blog here. Overdrinking. Well, fast-forward a decade and dad ends up with dementia and now is in a care home. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. How to Change Your Diet So That You Have Fun and Feel Good! You cant be responsible for everything because you are not autonomous. spirituality, My Interview on Oprahs SuperSoul Sunday, Blogs :), My anxiety triggered from a bully in authority I don't remember a lot of what he said but I remember saying over and over again to stop mind-messing me and you don't know who I am hours of this went on I have never been the same so much of the past which was locked tightly away the flood gates were open and I don't know how to close the gates I try for help but I'm so mixed up no one seems to know how to help me I am giving up and letting myself fall through the cracks of the system I'm too tired the battle within my brain wins this time. Just let them meet themselves. Yes, you can help mom find resources, but that is it. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. Thank you so much for your reply, Tanya. Skip to the front of the line by calling (888) 848-5724. For example, Whether I lose weight or not, I am a worthwhile person who deserves love. Practice self-compassionbe kind to yourself by softening your judgment and treating yourself like your own best friend. Validating an emotion doesn't mean that you agree with the other . Reviewed by Davia Sills. Assael Romanelli, Ph.D., is a clinical social worker and a licensed couple and family therapist based in Israel. Happiness is inside you, or it does not exist at all. Thank you all! but dont believe it. I feel guilty when I set boundaries and try to live my best life. I feel stuck, depressed and looking for a break. Mine will say she is going to jump out the window, and I'll remind her that wouldn't do the job b/c she lives on the ground floor of the building. How to Stop the Misery: Instead of comparing your situation to that of others, make your own life as good as possible. That does not mean being oblivious to their hurt. It is okay for you to make yourself and your life your first priority. You feel youre responsible for your parents marital conflicts. Read On! Every time your partner shares something difficult or painful, you immediately get tense and feel that you need to do something about it. Tell her she is responsible for her own happiness. 11 views, 0 likes, 0 loves, 1 comments, 0 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Jumpstart Coaching Lab: Want to know the difference between success or failure as a financial professional? So dont rob your partner of a chance to grow. That number felt too high for the reality of their current symbiotic avoidance of pain. Its the same for everyone else too. Is it? My family is my strength in hard times. Start tuning into your actions. This self-talk keeps you from getting the emotional support that you need. Do you really believe youre in charge and that your worry can change anything? But you are not the answer - with her personality and outlook on life, you could not make her happy so no point in futile trying. consistent on your spiritual path. What quiet "do it himself" activities are suitable and interesting for an older man with vascular dementia? No one has the right to emotionally abuse you. It doesnt matter whether youve read Judgment Detox, youre in the middle of it or you havent started it yet. She micromanaged their lives and even the lives of daughters-in-law, prescribing how many minutes they could go out driving. It absolutely is possible to break this cycle later in life. Try the powerful Three Good Things exercise, described here. I don't want to take care of my mother anymore but I don't want to put her in a home. You cant control the weather, the genes you were born with, diseases that have no cure, or the fact that you are getting older. Your mother is clinging onto her best option, irrespective of the fact that it is crushing you. Youll be able to show up for them when theyre ready to show up for themselves. She'll call me on a Sunday very angry, saying she's been sitting around all day. Wouldnt it be wonderful to live from love, compassion, and ease instead of beating yourself up every day? I just need a few things to get you going. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. If you are worrying over a problem that actually could arise in the future, make a realistic plan and write it down. What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving? You may find yourself trying to have fun in ways that are not really fun. If you can stay grounded and not retreat and apologize for what you just said, over time your partner may return to this topic with a question or may wish to share his or her own hurt on this matter. The other you simply cannot. There's a huge difference between having empathy for your partner and being attuned to their emotions, and adopting your partner's mood anytime it changes, regardless of how you actually feel . Hi! Lynn Beisner writes about family, social justice issues, and the craziness of daily life. To make progress, I've used what I call the STOP process. Hugs! So, you cannot be responsible for everyone and everything. Someone made you have to hone in on their feelings early in life, to stay safe..and you were trained to know if you do not make them feel better..you will somehow suffer..or be blamed or feel more pain. The solution is simple though it might not be easy:Stop blaming yourself, stop blaming others. You're ahead of the game, too, in wanting to learn strategies on your own at the same time. Dad is now in memory care and mom leans on me too much for emotional support. You can speak up for yourself. And for the most powerful antidote to social comparison, try this: gratitude. Getting to know her personally has been inspiring. His therapist has been trying to get him to understand that he can't be responsible for anyone else's emotions or happiness and he's interpreted it to mean he's free to do and say whatever he wants without consideration of how his actions are affecting others. So, I had to move them out here to Colorado to an independent senior apartment complex about 6 miles from my home. Misery-Maker 10: Thinking that you have to do it all yourself. Certainly, in any healthy relationship. I hope the book is helpful. Habits do involve thoughts and feelings (very much so), but they also are strongly behavior-oriented. It can sometimes be easier to start with behaviors/actions. You'll probably find this scenario quite common. A friend was telling me about how she was visiting a very close friend of hers. As a consequence I tend to focus on them and what they need. Their pain is their pain, and your pain is your pain. Each person is responsible for his/her inner contentment and happiness. If you don't "play" she'll have to quit her negative behavior to get what she needs from you. In fact, rejecting how you feel either the happiness or the guilt can be harmful, says Natasha Bailen, MA, a graduate student at Washington University in St. Louis. I like the way this idea is expressed in The Four Noble Truths of Buddhism. Just let the drama go in one ear and out the other, and look into placing her into a senior apartment building where she'll have NO EXCUSE not to entertain herself. You feel to blame if your child goes off in a bad way. When you don't let yourself become anxious and stressed trying to make sure that everyone is happy but are still kind, you are caring about yourself and about others. Begin to question it. We can't be responsible for our elderly parent's happiness. You can pray for them to have it be gentle when they hit bottom, and for them to receive very clear direction when it happens. Modern culture encourages us to think that we are free, independent agents. Shell38314, Awesome advice, and thank you so much! Mom wants her room to be over 80 degrees most of the time. You have to keep strong and use this site to know that you are making boundaries and getting healthier for yourself. When you feel the urge to be the fixer, follow the three steps I outline below. As an adult, I feel responsible for my wife's happiness. The stories you tell yourself can take on a life of their own, becoming an unending source of anger, self-pity, anxiety, or just plain misery. For any occurrence, there are far more variables in play than you alone. With me changing they changed and after time b/c they couldn't push the same buttons the had before. In our sessions, we discovered that both of them shared the core belief that your pain = my fault. Not something anyone can go to Amazon and just buy. How to stop the misery: Replace negative self-talk with realistic and positive self-talk. Responsibility pie chart. Remind your partner to hold on to themselves: They do not need to react to what you are sharing. I once worked with a symbiotic couple where it was clear that the husband could not deal with his wifes anger toward him, so he constantly belittled her pain by not listening or being sarcastic. I should be able to handle this. You're sensitive and compassionate. Not taking responsibility for someone's happiness is much different that not caring about others' feelings, thoughts, etc. Eventually, I learned this belief is just another fabrication of the mind that has no basis in reality. He is caring enough to notice that I sometimes flinch around him and he's worried. Why do I feel responsible for everyone's feelings? How much time did it waste away? Smoking. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? Again, huge thanks for taking the time to reply to this question and for your caring response. Mind if I turn up the heat? I need some alone time right now. Acting more assertive is thrilling, no matter how small the issue. The pressure to be responsible for my mother's happiness weighs heavily. Everyone has their own guidance system, whatever it is they believe in whether thats intuition, angels, spirit guides, the Universe or God. Hi! Are they realistic? Welcome to my island of sanity and serenity. Someone had to dig the trenches for the pipes, didnt they? Subscribe to Wild Arisings, twice monthly letters from my heart to help you search more deeply into your own life, make positive changes, and become all that you truly are. Reviewed by Abigail Fagan. You don't have to people-please and experience anxiety in order to care about your family. It makes us tense, lacking in joy, and overcommitted, because we likely feel we need to fix everything as well. She delivers workshops for all ages and provides online and in-person mental health education for youth. Misery-Maker 7: Comparing yourself to others. When you try to change someone youre effectively saying that you know what is best for them. P.S. Get an easy-to-understand breakdown of services and fees. Be kind to yourself. All these typical situations are within your circle of control, at least partially if not completely. This can be really hard at times, especially if youre a nurturing person or just deeply love the person whos struggling. Be as kind to yourself as you are to others! Leading a couch-potato life. | Everything you need to stay The most unloving thing we can do is try to change them. I have a "Debbie Downer" friend. Just like you, others are subject to a complex set of causes and conditions so nothing is entirely their fault. 13 Small Decisions That Will Ease Anxiety. Sometimes sharing the pain in this new, differentiated way, which is not a jab or an attack in the heat of a fight, can still lead to a certain distance, coldness, or even a rupture. Start tuning into your actions. All of her chronic worrying is caring, too, dontcha know? How long can you go on feeling like you're responsible for their happiness (when you give up your own)? Why are holidays always an issue and elder parents exert their control? Your 2.5-year-old wants a particular sippy . Children who are victims of abusive parents, for instance, often believe that if only they had done x, y, or z, their family would have been just fine. I took responsibility for everyone and everything for the better part of my lifeto my own detriment. When talking, try sharing your pain, criticism, frustration, or even anger at your partner slowly, in small chunks, pausing to let it be absorbed and digested by your partner. Remind yourself and them that you are doing this in order to deepen the relationship. Feeling and dealing with your pain directly builds character, integrity, self-respect, and confidence. People who can grow from their setbacks are more likely to succeed and to feel better about themselves. Please check your inbox and confirm your subscription. Although it does take work, you can decide to change behavioral habits and do it successfully. My SuperSoul Sessions Talk: The 5 Steps to Spiritual Surrender, Blogs Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? 4-6 If you have said 'yes' to nearly half you are probably in the process of separating but need to go further. Instead, commit to being fully responsible for yourselffor your own thoughts, words, and actions. People to sit quietly and hold space for us. Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? It Provides Me with Support. She shared that she felt it was a 2 when he said his original 8, and she was actually glad that he admitted openly what she (and I) clearly sensed. Having grown up in a family where it was ' my job' to keep my mother contented, I am finally calling her out on it. The main consequence of such a core belief is that it keeps you reactive in your intimate relationships. Being a responsible person helps us to: Be more honest: When we tend to tell the truth and keep our promises, the people around us will . Tanya J. Petersonis the author of numerous anxiety self-help books, including The Morning Magic 5-Minute Journal, The Mindful Path Through Anxiety, 101 Ways to Help Stop Anxiety, The 5-Minute Anxiety Relief Journal, The Mindfulness Journal for Anxiety, The Mindfulness Workbook for Anxiety, and Break Free: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in 3 steps. And all the rest of the BS 24/7. He pointed out that I shut off the TV when he comes in, (he hates TV, I love it) I don't change the music I'm listening to when he comes in and I won't even use the shelves he's cleared off as storage for me, instead I pay a storage facility. Self-talk like this makes you think you have to be perfect instead of the fallible human being that you arethat we all are. I can help you compare costs & services for FREE! But we have to be careful, because theres a fine line between supporting others and trying to fix them. I was abused by my mother. Its hard not feeling guilty when your mom makes you feel like a bad daughter for not including her in everything. I think this might be stemming from the fact that when I was growing up my father always took the role of being the mediator. The decisions you make today may be very different than the ones you made a decade ago due to the influence of your life experiences since then. Sometimes, it may not feel this way because you often act out of habit and long-standingmental and emotional patterns. I know this one well. We are supposed to be her entertainment committee as well as her sounding board for the chronic, non-stop complaints she vents 24/7. Remember to breathe and to stay open and loving toward your partner. I am caretaker and my parents (and I) are in a health crisis. Try to think about the situation objectively - divide the circle into a 'responsibility' pie chart, apportioning responsibility for the situation between you, other people and external . Get personalized guidance from a dedicated local advisor. The minute a . Let's look at an example from both the perspective of a mother who feels her child's happiness is her responsibility and a mother who provides good support for her child's big feelings without the belief that she is responsible for his happiness. While humans make themselves suffer in many ways, here are 10 common sources of self-caused suffering, which I've dubbed "Misery-Makers," along with 10 suggestions for stopping: Misery-Maker 1: Inventing and dwelling upon painful inner dramas that have little or no basis in fact. You are responsible for no onew happiness except your own. Mom, not so much. I'm a senior care specialist trained to match you with the care option that is best for you. For example, he no longer feels any need to rebuild trust after an emotional affair because he feels it's not his job. If she suicides, it will be her choice for which you are not responsible and you can make that clear to her. This process can lead you to a more aware partnership, which is less reactive and symbiotic and more authentic and differentiated. Get out and spend time with friends and create your own positive environment which will also work to lessen the effects you feel from your mom's criticisms. Instead of comparing yourself to those who are better off, make a downward comparison to those who are suffering more than you are. You are responsible for only your happiness. But almost all of us take responsibility for more than our part, though it may appear on a subtle or subconscious level: Thats a sign that we think we alone are responsible. How to stop the misery: When your fantasies threaten to ruin your emotional health, neutralize them by murmuring these words: Just thoughts. Realizing that your fantasies are not realities will help you separate from them, as if standing to one side. Healthy relationships depend on mutuality, and our life quality is much influenced by others. Another lives miles away but calls her every few days because she knows the friend is lonely and feels sorry for her. How to Attract Love and Stop Comparing Your Relationship Status, Accepting People Where They Are So You Can Be Free, The Fun and Spiritual Way to Release Fear Fast, Be Happier by Taking On the 1 Sneaky Thing That Drains Your Happiness, Are You Over-Spiritualizing? Group therapy is great for this. But codependents make the leap of feeling responsible for others' pain and happiness. You feel it's your fault when other people feel bad. Once youve noticed your anxious thoughts, question them. I do what I can, in addition to taking her to doctors, paying all of her bills, orchestrating all of her care, etc etc etc, but in her mind, I don't spend enough time entertaining her, that's the issue. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. May you be happy, well, and safe always. Read On! I can't handle this on my own. Mingyur Rinpoche, "How to Train Your Monkey Mind." I was finally able to BREATHE. Speaking up for ourselves is not only hard to do, but it tends to bring up a ton of emotional baggage from our past. She makes me mad. Brrr. These are opportunities to pivot, to hit our knees and fully surrender. Shes really struggling. Then ask yourself: Was I really responsible for what happened? Is it really my fault that he didnt ask me out again? Can I really control her drinking? Remind yourself that you can only really control your own behavior. (2016, May 5). She was queen and would accuse her children of treason if they did anything she didn't like. Misery-Maker 4: Blaming yourself for things you can't control. But just remember that you cant coax, guilt or force anyone to take action. She felt a responsibility to make sure her friend was okay. She had one weapon our mothers never had though. I invited him to pause, imagine he drank the truth serum, and take a chance and share what the real number is. Any suggestions? Find her on her website, Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. You want to help them find the solution, make smart choices and see the light. You can't change them. O = Brainstorm your Options and choose one to try.. So basically, you do understand and are right on. You sound like a very caring person. Thats not to say we shouldnt feel good when things go well. Someone had to make the pipes, didnt they? I made a life here and have a full life with many friends. I have felt responsible for my moms happiness due to guilt and after she passed feel responsible for her death. The weight will be lifted and youll be able to show up for your loved one AND yourself. You feel ashamed or fearful when you make a mistake. Am I just completely misunderstanding? When theyre ready for that change to come into their life, then youll be there.
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